Thought for the Day

Being a kid is like being a model; no matter how good you are at it, once you reach a certain age, you're out forever...

In Case of Emergency: Break Dance

By myself all day

Entertained with break dancing

All the doctors laughed.

The Book of My Life

I have decided that I will write a book about my life; all of my interesting little anecdotes collected together. They catch? I'm writing them all as haiku.

Also, since I have little time and resources here in my life as a college student, I'm just going to post the haiku on here as I think of them and will collect them all once I'm rich and can afford to print hundreds of books. I'll start you off with:

Kittens met their death

Sleeping on the warm engine

We dug them up.

My Knight in a Clown Costume...

I'm not looking for someone to grow old with. Rather, I want someone with whom it will become increasingly apparent to others how immature we are.

You Know You're Getting Old When...

I was going to get a spoon to eat my rice with, so I reached under the counter to open the drawer, BUT IT WASN'T THERE!!! So I'm all spazzing out like... "ok, calm down, there's gotta be a logical explanation for the lack of drawer". So I'm trying to chill out, but I'm still wondering where the hell my drawer went. Then I realized that ALL MY DRAWERS ARE GONE!!!!! So I'm really starting to freak out, because, like, I have no drawers! But then I remembered that I never had any drawers in this house. My silverware is on the shelf above the microwave...

Neil Diamond makes me laugh...

Neil Diamond has been saying for a while that he wants to get a dog. And today, I get this text from him: "Well, I've finally done it! My new pet is cute, loveable and easy to care for. He's a rescue named Clamper. Stay tuned, video later...."

So, naturally, I assume he finally got his puppy. Here's the video he sent:

And he says:

"Call me crazy but I love him. Rescued him on the beach. Here he is... Clamper the sea scallop!"

The best jab at Neil Diamond I've ever heard!

What? Sorry... Neil Diamond in leather pants...

and a jock strap

Brother Joe (with chords!)

C
Hello brother Joe
F
I never see you around
C
Some said you were dead
Am
Others said you just left town

C
But I know where you been
F
In your own little hell
C
You said can’t live with them no more
Am
But you can’t live with yourself

C
I hate to see a grown man cry
F
But crying is all you know
C
Since your only love up and left
Am
Must be seven years ago

Em
Hallelujah
D
Hallelujah
Em
Hallelujah
Am
You’ll hold her again some day


C
The pictures of the two of you
F
Are laying all around
C
Your hopes, your dreams, your everything
Am
Is laying in the ground

C
There’s nothing you can do or say
F
You can’t make it good again
C
All you can do is make it through
Am
And remember your best friend.

C
I know the pain won’t go away
F
I know you feel bad
C
But she’s looking down on you now
Am
You’ll always be her dad

Em
Hallelujah
D
Hallelujah
Em
Hallelujah
Am
You’ll hold her again someday

© 2009 Shilo Piper

Favorite Quotes

~Anything from our quote book~ 

"When no one else would come, Shilo you always came..." - Neil Diamond 

"I love smiling! It's my favorite!" - Buddy The Elf 

"My shoe's untied, this bag is heavy, and Merry Christmas!" - Lady in the elevator at MD Anderson 

"I'm going to have a sex change. Why? Well, I just have some things I'd like to get off my chest." - Me 

"I love tighty whitey!" - Bailey 

"I never should've looked at men seeking men!!!!" - Kathryn 

"It's raining cats and dogs. I stepped in a poodle!" - Colin

"You make my butt wet. And my side boob." - Kathryn 

"kathryn is a wimp because shilo supermanned that ho with a broken arm and is still in less pain. go shilo, you super awesome war hero!" - Sam

"Sam's taking forever! Meanwhile, we can play with my sex dice." - Kathryn 

"I was done sneezing before I was done being loud." - Garrett 

"Really, the only person who knows what kind of a sex symbol I am is my wife, and, between you and me, she's not that impressed." - Neil Diamond 

"You're already sucking at it!" - Sam 

"On a stick!" - Kathryn 

"When kids watch cartoons, parents make more babies... Acme kid making kit" - Papa

"Damn white girls!" - Some random lady 

"Because I saved his son from a life of sin and death, etc, etc..." - Sam 

"Tears are staining my brand-new clean sheets!" - Kathryn 

"THIS IS THE REAL PICKLE DEAL!" - Kathryn 

"I have like, 10 asses!" - Kathryn 

"Double-sided ba doong doongs!" - Sam 

"I only compared my politics, I didn't learn anything about them." -Sam 

"You remember that time you attacked Kathryn and you fell and something hit you in the side? That was me. I chucked one of my large vessels of water at you." - Sam 

"It was like a possessed grizzly bear" - Kathryn 

"Next semester, I will stalk you with my pants" - Shilo 

"I'd rather have my toe imprint on the stomach of a dead mouse, than poo poo oozing up between my toes." - Danielle 

"I hope I'm never on that quote list" - Piper 

"All the wrinkle lines in my thumb are vagina's" - Sam 

"Oh great, now I look like the retarded pervert instead of Kathryn" - Sam 

"Have you been hitting the sauce a little to hard? No, just the pie..." - Me 

"My thumb is stuck in my finger" - Me 

"I think a lot of things. Like. I love how you make me grin when I'm trying to so hard to be serious. You make it impossible for me to behave when I'm around you. Chocolate moose." - Caitie 

"its easy if i want to mount you and tickle you again but i dont" - Kathryn

"creepy, yet hillarious!" - Kathryn 

"that was a quote nightmare for her... it was like a wet dream for me" - Kathryn 

"oh damn! take it off take it off! ill do anything!" - Kathryn 

"i hope that i saved that rape or else you might have to recreate it for me later" - Kathryn 

"We'll be talking, and he'll just randomly blurt out that he loves me. It's like he has romantic tourettes or something..." - Some Lady 

"OMG Bug just pooped on the floor!!! It was HUGE!!!!!!" - Piper

"Stop! I don't want to get my ring caught in your toe hair." - Piper

"That's like a redhead in a bouncy house!" - Danielle

"I'm being muffled by Shilo's thighs." - Piper

"Take a Chillaxitive" - Casey

"I never wanted fried chicken and watermelon!" - Bailey

"I'm a five foot two white girl!" - Kathryn

"I'm gonna put it in you" "That's usually my line" - My parents

"We're having a three-way. It's different than I thought it would be." - Bumpy

"I don't know why I told you about my childhood" - Alyssa

"What jail are they gonna throw me in? It's over the ocean. Neutral territory, bitch!" - Tara

"Show him" "Show him?" "It's German for 'show her'. Those Germans are so confusing" - Tara and Nicole

"I stand like this 'cause my penis is the same height as your vagina" - Papa

"Hair: Dead protein excreted from follicles." - Eric

"I think I just touched your heart through your back..." - Anthony

"No making out, you don't want to pass that on. Only heavy petting for you, miss." - Sarah

"When I start farting around, at least two of your senses will be notified" - Eric

"Slow swimming sperm. Quite a mouthful" - Professor Zeh

"I'd rather shave my eyeballs than contemplate that" Agent DiNozzo (NCIS)

Don't Laugh! It Was Traumatic!

One time, many years ago, I got stuck to the filter in the hot tub. I got a hickey.

A very, very large hickey.

Some Things Never Change

My eyelids began to get heavy and I struggled to see as the light from the candle began to dim. Thoughts of turning in for the night crossed through my mind, but I quickly shook my head as if to chase them away. I was nearing the end of the book and was determined to complete it that night.

I began toying with the sheet of stickers I had been using as a bookmark and my mind wandered off. I absentmindedly turned the pages, not really reading the pages, as my thoughts turned to my uncle. Back when I was a youngster, he would tease me often for abandoning my studies in favor of the daydreams I loved. I would sit on the back porch, licking a spatula clean of any batter from some confection my aunt was always making, as I wondered at the sky until my mother came to get me for a bath.

She would try her hardest to scrub me clean with a checkered washcloth while I splashed about, pretending my cow puppet was hunting seals in the great blue, bubbly sea of the tub. After she finally managed to get me clean, my mother would pull me out of the bath and wrap a towel around me, telling me I should drink more water as she put Chap Stick on my dry and cracked lips.

Every night, as my father put me to bed, I would tell him I was hungry in hopes of getting one of the cereal bars I loved so much, but to no avail. He always brought me chips, thinking I would grow tired of chewing and fall asleep. But it never happened, instead, I would pretend the bag clip was a monster, trying to eat my father’s nose. He would play along for a while, but soon his long day would catch up with him and he would tell me to go to sleep as he took the bag of chips back downstairs.

I’m not sure how long I sat there like that with a wandering mind, but I thought it was strange that I had been thinking of people that no longer lived on this earth. “I guess things change.” I thought to myself, but I began laughing when I saw a cereal bar on the table next to my chair, “And some things don’t.”

Just Hanging Out

I always look forward to when I get to see my dad, but that afternoon on a breezy, slightly chilly day when we went out to play softball at the park, I was filled with more anticipation than I ever thought possible. My twelve year old sister Piper, her three year old friend Haley, and Haley’s mom Danielle, had taken me earlier that morning to get three new softballs and a shiny, new, metallic blue softball bat with a black rubber grip. I loved the bat so much that when we got back to Haley and Danielle’s house from the store I took a nap with my bat wrapped up in my arms and my head resting on it. What I really loved about this bat was the promise that it represented to me. I hardly ever used to see my dad back then. When I did get to visit him at his house in Nevada, he usually had to work until it was too dark to see what he was doing. In the end it meant it was to dark to play outside and he was too tired from a long day of tree work. So one day I finally brought up to my dad that I wished we had more time to spend together. He promised me he would get off work early one day and come to the park with Piper, Haley, Danielle, and I to smack around a few balls for a while. From the day that he promised me until we got to the park several days later, I was overcome with a crazy excitement.

When I woke up from my nap on that fateful day, I was having a hard time containing my excitement as I dragged my bat around with me until my dad got off work. When I heard him pull up, I nearly leapt out of the window to show him my new bat, but, fortunately for him, I waited until he sauntered, bow-legged, up the steps and walked in the front door of the double wide before I jumped up on him as if I was an overgrown puppy, nearly knocking his forest green baseball hat off. I was grinning like a goon when I said “Look at my bat!”

“Cool.” He said with a smile. “I like the color.”

“Yeah, I like it too. When you turn it, it looks all sparkly and 3D.” I smiled back. Little did my dad know that I got that bat specifically because blue is his favorite color.

“Are you ready to go?” He asked, already aware of what the coming answer would be.

“I’ve been ready all day!” I replied enthusiastically, all decked out in a t-shirt, cargo pants, and tennis shoes.

“Okay.” He said with a chuckle, “I’m going to take a quick shower to wash off this sawdust and grease. Then we’ll go”

“Okay.” I said, still grinning like a goon.

“You better hurry,” Danielle said from the kitchen, “She might explode from all the excitement.”

“Okay,” My dad laughed, “I’ll try to hurry.”

When he came out of his room after getting dressed he laughed at me, still standing by the door, grinning and holding my bat.

“I guess you really are ready to go!” He said, laughing.

“Of course,’ I laughed back “I took a nap with my shoes on earlier!”

“She did,” Danielle chimed in, “She looked like a little kid on Christmas.”

My dad laughed again then said, “Well, I guess we’ll go then!”

A few minutes later we were out the door, piled in the car, and on our way, and I still couldn’t stop grinning. A few very long minutes after that, we arrived at every kids dream, “Clifford” park, with its huge fire engine red, chocolate brown, and sandy tan playground. The look-out towers stood tall against the grey-blue sky, the swings shifted in the wind, the slides just begged someone to slide down, the fire pole that made my hands burn just thinking about sliding down it, and the monkey bars that connected the whole thing seemed to call out to me, but I had other business to attend to first.

My dad and I moseyed on over to the baseball diamond, our shoes leaving dusty tracks in the infield dirt as the grass in the outfield waved gently in the breeze. My dad walked out to the pitchers mound as I excitedly approached home base. I dragged my foot over the plate to clear off some of the red-brown dirt then took my position and tightened my grip on the bat. “Ready?” My dad asked. “Yup!” I said back. He wound up, he threw, I swung, I missed. Actually, I missed most of the balls at first, but eventually I started hitting the ball nearly every single time, the ball and bat making a satisfying “plink” each time they connected, sending the ball on its way through the air down to the chain-link fence that separated the green grass of the field from the desert grass surrounding the park. We kept on going like that for a while, with each of us taking a turn at bat, until I hurt my foot sliding into third base.

We walked past the bleachers and through the metal gate back over to Piper, Haley and Danielle at the playground, where I immediately jogged up to the tire swing. I jumped on to it, legs over the outside edge and butt in the hole, making futile attempts at swinging myself around until my dad came over and pushed me in a big circle. The sky, playground, swings, and baseball field becoming a multicolored whirl as I spun faster and faster. I was having a blast, but I as usual, my stomach began doing flips and I started feeling a bit queasy after spinning around in circles for a prolonged amount of time. After the swing slowed to a crawl, I attempted to get out. I didn’t want to slide out, because I thought the swing might flip and throw me onto the ground. I pulled my legs up and dropped them into the hole of the tire, but I realized that way wouldn’t work either. Then the real trouble began.

I tried to pull my legs back up, but I couldn’t bend my knees and pull them through the hole, so it was a no-go. I thought, “Well, I guess I’m gonna have to flip out after all.” So I tried to flip, head first, over and out of the tire. I flipped over, but not out. I started laughing at myself and the predicament I had gotten myself into. There I was, stuck upside down in a tire swing holding myself up with my elbows, the wood chips digging into my skin. I realized I would be unable to get myself out and figured I should probably ask for help. I spun myself in the direction of my dad, my face turning red, most likely from embarrassment rather than blood rushing to my head.

“Hey, Papa.” I said as casually as I could for a person hanging upside down in a tire swing.

“Yeah?” He said, still looking away from me, not realizing the direness of my situation.

“Can you help me for a sec?” I said, knowing full-well from all my years of being his kid that he would begin laughing as soon as he turned around a caught a glimpse of me “hanging out” in the tire swing.

“Huh?” He said turning towards me. Then he did it, he laughed his deep baritone laugh, and he kept laughing, he was clutching his stomach from laughing so hard. Which caused Danielle to turn and look at me, and she began laughing at my unfortunate plight. All of their laughter made me laugh which made it very hard to support myself with my arms. My dad, still clutching his stomach and laughing, somehow managed to stumble over towards and he attempted to ease my situation. He tried to tilt the swing so that it would be vertical and I would just fall out, but his arms were so weak from laughing so hard, he couldn’t hold the swing up high enough, and he and Danielle began laughing harder. By this time I was laughing at myself because, although I’ve done some stupid things, getting stuck, upside-down, in a tire swing tops them all.

After my dad calmed down enough to regain control of his arms, he lifted the tire swing straight up, raising me off the ground in hopes that my own weight would cause me to fall out. The only thing we accomplished was pulling my pants down to mid-thigh, which caused my dad and Danielle to laugh even harder. I began to get a little worried because “Papa, Papa, he’s our man. If he can’t do it no one can” and he wasn’t doing anything more than embarrassing me beyond measure. He tried pulling the swing up one more time and I started to slide out a bit, but when my dad heard my pants ripping he couldn’t take it, he dropped the swing, fell over on the ground, and began laughing so hard his face turned purple. Fortunately, after my dads multiple efforts to get me out, I had slid out far enough that I managed to wriggle the rest of the way by myself. I quickly glanced around to see if anyone else was enjoying the show. Luckily for my self-esteem it was just us and the jack rabbits. Who I’m sure went home that night, told their families what they saw, and had a good laugh. I jumped up, quickly pulled up my pants, and brushed all the wood chips off of me, rubbing my sore stomach while my dad rolled on the ground laughing his little heart out.

I Have a New Goal in Life

When I finish college and am making tons of money, I'm going to spend it all on funny t-shirts, as I am quite fond of them. I want to own at least 139 and I will put them in a gigantic walk-in closet that will be dedicated solely to them. They will be on hangers. 

Also, I will have a bathroom sink that looks just like this:

And my life will be awesome.

Chronology of a Foot Injury

Day: 1

'Ultimate Power-Slide' resulted in 'Ultimate Rug Burn'

Cleaned and bandaged the wound before turning in for the night.

Day: 2

Wound began oozing upon removal of bandage. Cleaned and redressed.

Cleaned and covered wound again before turning in for the night.

Day: 3

Signs of infection. Very Painful. Walking extremely difficult.

Day: 6

After several days of cleaning wound and frequent bandage changes, infection begins to clear. Though some red streaks remain.

Day: 9

Wound completely scabbed over. However, still red from infection. Looks fierce.

Day: 13

Still fierce looking. Red marks have disappeared.

When I grow up, I want to be a T. Rex!

Back in the days of my youth, I enjoyed pretending I was a lion or a dinosaur, particularly the Tyrannosaurus Rex. I am sure that this was partially due to the fact that I could roar really loudly, and I was very proud of it. Sometimes I think back on those days and I wonder if I can still let out a fierce and terrifying roar, but honestly, I'd feel quite silly if I tried.

Isn't growing up boring?