Neil Diamond makes me laugh...

Neil Diamond has been saying for a while that he wants to get a dog. And today, I get this text from him: "Well, I've finally done it! My new pet is cute, loveable and easy to care for. He's a rescue named Clamper. Stay tuned, video later...."

So, naturally, I assume he finally got his puppy. Here's the video he sent:

And he says:

"Call me crazy but I love him. Rescued him on the beach. Here he is... Clamper the sea scallop!"

The best jab at Neil Diamond I've ever heard!

What? Sorry... Neil Diamond in leather pants...

and a jock strap

Brother Joe (with chords!)

C
Hello brother Joe
F
I never see you around
C
Some said you were dead
Am
Others said you just left town

C
But I know where you been
F
In your own little hell
C
You said can’t live with them no more
Am
But you can’t live with yourself

C
I hate to see a grown man cry
F
But crying is all you know
C
Since your only love up and left
Am
Must be seven years ago

Em
Hallelujah
D
Hallelujah
Em
Hallelujah
Am
You’ll hold her again some day


C
The pictures of the two of you
F
Are laying all around
C
Your hopes, your dreams, your everything
Am
Is laying in the ground

C
There’s nothing you can do or say
F
You can’t make it good again
C
All you can do is make it through
Am
And remember your best friend.

C
I know the pain won’t go away
F
I know you feel bad
C
But she’s looking down on you now
Am
You’ll always be her dad

Em
Hallelujah
D
Hallelujah
Em
Hallelujah
Am
You’ll hold her again someday

© 2009 Shilo Piper

Favorite Quotes

~Anything from our quote book~ 

"When no one else would come, Shilo you always came..." - Neil Diamond 

"I love smiling! It's my favorite!" - Buddy The Elf 

"My shoe's untied, this bag is heavy, and Merry Christmas!" - Lady in the elevator at MD Anderson 

"I'm going to have a sex change. Why? Well, I just have some things I'd like to get off my chest." - Me 

"I love tighty whitey!" - Bailey 

"I never should've looked at men seeking men!!!!" - Kathryn 

"It's raining cats and dogs. I stepped in a poodle!" - Colin

"You make my butt wet. And my side boob." - Kathryn 

"kathryn is a wimp because shilo supermanned that ho with a broken arm and is still in less pain. go shilo, you super awesome war hero!" - Sam

"Sam's taking forever! Meanwhile, we can play with my sex dice." - Kathryn 

"I was done sneezing before I was done being loud." - Garrett 

"Really, the only person who knows what kind of a sex symbol I am is my wife, and, between you and me, she's not that impressed." - Neil Diamond 

"You're already sucking at it!" - Sam 

"On a stick!" - Kathryn 

"When kids watch cartoons, parents make more babies... Acme kid making kit" - Papa

"Damn white girls!" - Some random lady 

"Because I saved his son from a life of sin and death, etc, etc..." - Sam 

"Tears are staining my brand-new clean sheets!" - Kathryn 

"THIS IS THE REAL PICKLE DEAL!" - Kathryn 

"I have like, 10 asses!" - Kathryn 

"Double-sided ba doong doongs!" - Sam 

"I only compared my politics, I didn't learn anything about them." -Sam 

"You remember that time you attacked Kathryn and you fell and something hit you in the side? That was me. I chucked one of my large vessels of water at you." - Sam 

"It was like a possessed grizzly bear" - Kathryn 

"Next semester, I will stalk you with my pants" - Shilo 

"I'd rather have my toe imprint on the stomach of a dead mouse, than poo poo oozing up between my toes." - Danielle 

"I hope I'm never on that quote list" - Piper 

"All the wrinkle lines in my thumb are vagina's" - Sam 

"Oh great, now I look like the retarded pervert instead of Kathryn" - Sam 

"Have you been hitting the sauce a little to hard? No, just the pie..." - Me 

"My thumb is stuck in my finger" - Me 

"I think a lot of things. Like. I love how you make me grin when I'm trying to so hard to be serious. You make it impossible for me to behave when I'm around you. Chocolate moose." - Caitie 

"its easy if i want to mount you and tickle you again but i dont" - Kathryn

"creepy, yet hillarious!" - Kathryn 

"that was a quote nightmare for her... it was like a wet dream for me" - Kathryn 

"oh damn! take it off take it off! ill do anything!" - Kathryn 

"i hope that i saved that rape or else you might have to recreate it for me later" - Kathryn 

"We'll be talking, and he'll just randomly blurt out that he loves me. It's like he has romantic tourettes or something..." - Some Lady 

"OMG Bug just pooped on the floor!!! It was HUGE!!!!!!" - Piper

"Stop! I don't want to get my ring caught in your toe hair." - Piper

"That's like a redhead in a bouncy house!" - Danielle

"I'm being muffled by Shilo's thighs." - Piper

"Take a Chillaxitive" - Casey

"I never wanted fried chicken and watermelon!" - Bailey

"I'm a five foot two white girl!" - Kathryn

"I'm gonna put it in you" "That's usually my line" - My parents

"We're having a three-way. It's different than I thought it would be." - Bumpy

"I don't know why I told you about my childhood" - Alyssa

"What jail are they gonna throw me in? It's over the ocean. Neutral territory, bitch!" - Tara

"Show him" "Show him?" "It's German for 'show her'. Those Germans are so confusing" - Tara and Nicole

"I stand like this 'cause my penis is the same height as your vagina" - Papa

"Hair: Dead protein excreted from follicles." - Eric

"I think I just touched your heart through your back..." - Anthony

"No making out, you don't want to pass that on. Only heavy petting for you, miss." - Sarah

"When I start farting around, at least two of your senses will be notified" - Eric

"Slow swimming sperm. Quite a mouthful" - Professor Zeh

"I'd rather shave my eyeballs than contemplate that" Agent DiNozzo (NCIS)