There I sat, staring out the window at the warm afternoon sunshine falling on the bare autumn trees. The rainbow of fallen leaves scattered about the parking lot seemed to be placed as a holiday decoration, with the reds, golds, and browns bringing about a festive mood, however, that was far from how I felt. Usually, sitting in that room made me feel good, being around those you love generally has that effect on people, but not today. When you’re all alone, even warm and familiar places seem cold.
It had been a hard decision to come back, it had been so long since I had been in this place and the joyful memories were all I had left. True, I was longing to be back in those moments and feel alive again, but time changes everything. Would it still be the same? Would those who made that place special in the first place remember me? Would they even care? Those thoughts I couldn’t escape, but something inside told me to go. Go back home and be happy.
Back in that empty room, I began to doubt my reasons for coming. Too many memories were flooding my head and I had to get out. Those memories and the longing that came with them were suffocating me. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and if I stayed in that room any longer, I was either going to cry or scream. I got out, and walked away.
The reason I left is nothing special; people grow up and chase their happiness. Unfortunately, I realized all too late that I had found mine and walked right past it. By the time I saw what I had done, I thought it was too late. I was caught up in my new life, and besides, I had to set an example for those I loved. I bet they don’t want me back anyway.
As I walked out of the room, trying to maintain my composure, something caught my eye. Pictures. Wonderful memories frozen in time. I flipped on the light, filling the room with the artificial glow of fluorescent bulbs. I walked around the room as if I was at a museum taking in the exhibits. I was a bit saddened to see some of them, I only wished to be among those smiling faces again, but many of them made me smile, some even made me laugh. Crazy antics combined with youthful energy always make for great pictures. While looking at those frozen faces, I leaned up against the large table in the center of the room. Smudges and dark spots made me step away, but on closer inspection I could see the majority of the marks and stains were through from years of use by hundreds of teenagers. How many times had I eaten at that table? It might be easier to count the hairs on my head. It was always like Thanksgiving at those meals, so much joy and love mixed in with the “Please pass the ranch” and “Sit next to me!” I sat down, running my hand over the surface, feeling the bumps of glitter glue and tracing words written in marker that leaked through someone’s paper.
The voices coming down the hall broke me my trance. Oh no! I shouldn’t be here! I’m going to get in trouble! I stayed too long! I began to panic and quickly stood up. I thought I could sneak out the back, but it was too late. I stared, wide-eyed and stiff as a board, looking at the doorway as they came around the corner.
I thought about the first time I had been in that place. I was nervous and out of place, trying to play it off because, after all, I was 14 and nothing scared me. I remember that day so well, even though it was long ago. It’s funny how I worry about the same thing now, “What will they think of me?” is always on my mind in new places. Though I don’t think I worried about it in preschool.
There we were, standing in the dead silence which seemed to last forever. Confused looks spread across their faces, and I just hoped that they wouldn’t even notice me. All of a sudden, the voices resumed, this time with shouts of “You’re home!” “We missed you!” “I thought we’d never see you again!” and “I love you!” next thing I knew, I was down on the linoleum being hugged by twenty of the people I loved. I felt like I could cry or scream from joy, and I wasn’t about to walk away.
© 2008 Shilo Piper
